what do you do when you want to do everything?

When I was little I always wanted to be a vet.

then I wanted to be a detective.

then a graphic designer.

then a criminologist.

an actress.

a stand up comic.

a model.

a dancer.

a music producer.

a graphic designer (again).

By the time college application season rolled around, I had to make a decision. What did I want to do with my life? Where did I see my life going? At the time, dance had encompassed so much of my life, and it kept tapping on my shoulder that I felt like ~destiny~ was trying to tell me something. So, I went in, full force with dance and by 2015 I was walking out with a BFA in Dance Choreography. I was ready for that red carpet to roll out and for my ~artistic lyfe~ to begin.

But it didn’t.

Paying for rent on my own was the first problem that came to mind. I had to work my first big girl restaurant job in order to scrape by, and dancing became an after thought. Because during that time I realized what I actually wanted to do with my life:

I was going to be a Pilates Instructor.

For about nine months after I graduated I went through a teacher training program, and after getting my certification, I was hired at my first studio. I was able to quit my job at the restaurant and move on to greener pastures. This was it. I can pay my rent AND dance again. It’s finally happening.

But it didn’t.

At least not in the way that I thought it would. I was still scraping by with a little more wiggle room, and I got to dance again, but I crawled back to my comfort zone and joined another Competitive Collegiate team. It was fun, I made great friends, but I knew what I was doing. And then I realized what I REALLY wanted to do:

Get into the fashion industry.

And social media managing.

Those are pretty much one in the same these days, right?

This was my dream.

(Hopefully you can see where I’m going with this.)

I started a fashion blog, posting outfits every week and writing up about them. I didn’t have money for any camera equipment to do Youtube, so this would be a great start off point. As for work, I started an internship at a home decor company and left my Pilates job for even greener pastures. This one even had daisies. I was working full time in an office, making the commute from OC to LA, feeling like I was really making my way towards what I wanted. Yes, my internship wasn’t necessarily in fashion, but networking is a thing right, so I can build up my experience and work my way up the ranks.

But the drive started getting to me, and the work I was doing wasn’t what I had initially hoped for, and wasn’t worth the 4 hour daily commute. And that’s when I realized:

Pilates was what I wanted all along. I just needed some time to figure out what I truly wanted. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, right? This is a sign. I need to go back.

So I did. And I have for almost a year and a half now.

But where was dance in all of this? Mostly in the background. The year after I finshed competing, I joined an exhibition team, which was so fun and I had a wonderful time! But I realized I was getting distracted. Dancing was sitting in the background of my life when it should be in the foreground. What am I doing?? Let’s get out there!

So I was finally able to make enough money to pay rent and start auditioning. It was happening. I was living that artist life and starting my journey towards becoming an Industry Dancer! I got to be in a music video, and work a gig as a backup dancer for an underground artist, it was amazing, it was all happening.

But those were both gigs that I got because of connections I had with friends. Every other audition was coming up dry. I auditioned for the same show 3 times, made it to the end 3 times, had the casting director tell me that she loved my energy, but no dice. Maybe I’m just not auditioning enough. Maybe I need to take more classes. Maybe I don’t have the right look. Maybe I need to network more. Maybe…. maybe the Industry setting isn’t for me. Maybe, I need to create my own work, on my own terms, and build my brand from the inside out, without an agency. Maybe….. I should be a Youtuber.

So we can all guess where that goes.

I posted consistently for about 2 months, and then I got sick, lost my groove and stopped posting. I have yet to go back. If the conditions weren’t perfect enough, I couldn’t make enough time to sit down and really make the content I wanted. Pilates was starting to wear on me from the inside out. I needed a new venture, or at least an addition to what I was doing. So I started bartending school.

Fast forward to today, I finished the program in a month, went in for help with job placement, and received my certificate. I walked out feeling so proud of myself, and getting ready to move onto this next chapter.

But then I got in the car.

As I was posting my accomplishments to Instagram I could hear it in the distance:

“Is this really what you want to do?”

I don’t know.

I’m looking back at everything I’ve written, and it’s a mess. And honestly, that’s what the past 4 years have felt like since graduation. A fucking mess. What do I do?

Who am I supposed to be?

What do you do when you want to do everything?

Be everything?

I feel like every minute I’m just, running out of time. I’m learning so much but I keep losing who I am in the process. When am I gonna find them again?

I have to start by focusing.

What do you do when you want to do everything?

For a long time, I’ve felt like I’m good at a lot of things. But I am not great at them. I’m not the master of that one thing. I feel like I am at a critical moment in my life where I need to figure out what do I want to be great at? Can I only do one thing? Is it even possible to give 110% to multiple things?

But what if I miss out on something better?

You could be doing this. Or that. You should get into this, it’s what’s expected of you. You should get into that, it’s what’s realistic for you. I have major commitment issues with choosing a career, because the fear of missing those brightly colored pastures looms over me.

What do I do?

What do you do when you want to do everything?

Take some time, reset, and figure it out.

Comfort.

Note : This post was originally published on June 2, 2017.

Tomorrow will be my 5th time performing at Body Rock. That's an insane sentence to type out. But I took some time to look back and reflect on what I thought was my last collegiate performance in 2015 with Common Ground, and everything that has led up to this moment.
 

This set was definitely a chance to express what had been on my mind during the past year, and I'm thankful Anthony agreed to pursue the theme. The entire day of competition was a mission. I graduated from UCI that morning (not even with the dance department I switched times so I could make it to Body Rock) and sped over to SD to make it in time for 2 run throughs and then we had to be on stage. I didn't even get to tech. What's in the video was my first time on stage that day. You can also catch me crying like a baby (per usual) at 2:33 lmao

The following year, I took on my alumni duties, but my future in dance was uncertain. I had found a home in the community for the past 4 years that I didn't really know where to go next. My time on CG was over, Kenna Inc. took it's curtain call that November, and I was totally and completely lost. Now of course having a break was pretty great for my body, but over time I began to lose my sense of creative self and my self-destructive creative process had taken a toll on me. And it still does. Just this past year I collaborated with Sean, and I couldn't even make up half an 8 count without freezing up and on the verge of tears. I had so many ideas, but they were just trapped in my head, playing on a loop as I drove to and from work.

I knew at this point that I needed to get back into the community somehow and long story short I ended up going to G.O.O.D. Project's recruitment night. I had never been so nervous for an audition since my first year on CG, and by the end of the night my legs were about to fall off lmao.

After a few awkward phone/video interviews, I was accepted and back on the scene. And the rest is history I guess. Getting back in to the swing of things felt great, although it has taken me the entire year to get used to not being in director mode (Robin/Julian/Andrew I'm so sorry thanks for always taking the time to hear me out). And over time, being in a place where I felt extremely comfortable gave me a chance to really think. 

Fast forward to now, the day before our last performance together, and looking back I'm glad that I auditioned and I am glad that everyone on G.O.O.D. got to experience the year that we did. The response that we received from our first year competing has been INSANE, and being able to see my teammates grow who have just started out competing has been a pleasure to watch. We were definitely tested as a group, and I definitely complained A LOT (sorry lol), but I know I can look back on my year fondly with this team. So many memeories.

I know what I said.

*but srsly look at them so gr9 3deep5me*

Which brings me to my thought process now. In the past year, besides being on G.O.O.D., I got to experience other things as well. Working full time, being a part of a concept video, FINALLY seeing a psychologist regularly for my debilitating anxiety issues (Dr. Hurst is tight she used to belly dance), MY MAN GETTING 3RD AT MAXT OUT, taking Building Block sessions with the incomparable Mari Madrid, and even getting a chance to teach a G.O.O.D. Friday class (yay areaaa). And not to say that my time on GOOD felt wasted, because honestly I wouldn't have found the inspiration to do/be a part of any of these things without them, but I became more and more aware of how I was seeking out growth from different sources than my collegiate team. When I was on Common Ground, CG training was all I needed at the time because I wanted to be the best collegiate dancer I could be. But now, I truly understand the stagnation that comes with being too comfortable. And I know with my new found confidence in my skills that it's time for me to leave. For real this time.

I mean who knows, maybe I'll do Maxt Out or some sort of exhibition project, but I know that after Body Rock my time competing has come to a close. But if anything I'm excited, because all of my plans for my career that I had had two years ago are all finally coming to fruition. So stay tuned *winky face*.

So I guess for now I just have to say, thank you Common Ground for my foundation, thank you Kenna Inc. for the fun, and thank you G.O.O.D. Project for finding my confidence again. 

I'm excited for tomorrow.

#CGYouKnow
#KeeeennnnaaaaaInc.
#WhosGood